If I lose myself

To be frank to me, myself and I.
I have been losing myself for quite a while.
Not losing completely, but a great part of myself.
This just isn't me. 
I might not realize that before. But now I am more than sure about that.
And here I am now, frantically admit that.
So the next question, how do I ever find myself?

Broken

I cried as hard as I could,

I almost cried out mt heart, all I wanted was crying out the pain I felt.

After crying, the tears seems to be have run out.

Everything seemed becoming better,

but that better lasted for only a few minutes.

Then the pain came again.

I could feel it all over my body.

My heart into pieces,

The pain stuck beneath the pieces.

No where to go.

I don't understand why.

How many heartbreaks that God wants me to feel.

I don't understand why,  if it's not meant to be, then why want me to go through?

I don't understand why, why can't relationships be true, couples be loyal. 

Energy

“I sincerely believe that energy grows from itself and the more energy you expand the more you create within yourself. I also believe that energy is habit — which can be created quite easily. In other words, use your energy and more energy flows and then it is very hard to stop it — as if one would ever want to!” (Diana Vreeland)

This quote I read from Galadarling inspires me so much that I can't wait to share it here.
It's undeniably that I have been putting aside the things that I love to do.
"Energetic" is no longer a word that describes me.
"What happened to you? you used to be so energetic and active!" they said.

My passions, the things that make me happy, the things that I love to do.
Where are they? Why did I leave them behind?!!

Ohhh I feel extremely guilty now.
I don't want to have any regrets in the future.
Regrets hurt. Regrets impedes growing and moving on.
I don't want to feel bad when I am older and wiser.

Well, we learned from thermodynamics principle of conservation of energy.
I think Diana Vreeland is right about this one even when it applies in human.

"... the more energy you expand the more you create within yourself."

I think this can totally relate...  =)

We all want to be happy. I want to be happy.
I wish all of the people I care live happily everyday in life.

Being so sick

It's a big relief when the final exam of the semester 1, session 2013/2014 has finally waved goodbye.
Just a day after the last paper, I was having a 3-day-long high fever.
A very rare sickness for me, as humble as I must to admit, I rarely fall sick.
The last time I was fever was almost 11 months ago. (Thankful)

I was having cough and cold during the exam week, and I didn't have the guts to consume the coughing syrup ,
for it could cause drowsiness, I didn't want to sleep through the study hours.
So the night after the exam, I courageously drink a full 15ml of the coughing syrup and fell alseep of the drowsiness.

When i woke up next morning, I didn't feel well, the cough got worse than the night before, and the temperature in my body was higher than usual,
I could feel the heat on my forehead, and through my exhalation.
But I ignore it, drove to Bangsar Village for a dental clinic visit, and have a hang-out-lunch with my friend, Jeannie.

I drove home with my eyes forcefully opened, and with the air-conditioning in my car switching on and off.
I was thankful I reached home safely, and then I had the medicines I got from pharmacy and went to bed.

My friend, Naeemah, an Iraqi woman, with 2 daughters came to see me. She didn't want to leave until she persuaded me to her house, for watching the fever on me, she said that I could be dead in my own room if the fever worsen during midnight.

So I was suffered with the fever for more than 24 hours, no better condition observed.
They sent me to a nearby clinic and then the doctor gave me some medicines.
The temperature went down after another 24 hours. I was going to do the blood test for dengue before I was slightly better.

Wowww... I realized how vulnerable I could be. I was so unbelievable of my own body. I could never imagine I would get sick, and it was a total no fun. During critical time, I was asleep most of the time, feeling the uncomfortably-coldness, coughed till it was so had to gasp for air, the uncontrollable warm tears down the cheek, and the unswallowable appetite. Ahhhhh... Gross...

I am thankful anyway, for nothing got worse than that, and for having such caring friend, Cellyn who kept texting me to check on me, for having a kind-hearted Iraqi friend, Naeemah for taking care and keeping an eye on me.

Write again soon.

Being healthy is a blessing

Tear-inducing Matters

I am a born baby girl who cries so easily...
Well, I just am the one.

I don't know the reasons, but I do always wish I could be stronger.
I cry over a lot of reasons, some are weird resons.

❤   I cry when I think about my Mom. Missing her and thinking abut what is she doing now.

   My mom was diagnosed for having kidney failure last October. She was unbelievable and so depressed by the fact. She cried everyday, thinking she could not survive this. She is the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. Now that she got through the hardest time, she goes back to the busy business woman life. Everytime I think about what she is doing, my eyes get teary, my nose gets sour, and chill in my lungs. I really miss her now. She said she might be visiting me yeaterday, but she could not make it eventually. My world gets darker for the moment.

❤   I cry when the car gets hurt a little. I cry when it requires expensive car repair.

❤   I cry when I watch a sad movie. Lovers fall apart, death of someone, sad love story, and many many other scenes.

❤   I cry when someone I love break my heart, jealousy of the one I love, change of people attitude towards me, fighting with somone I love.

❤   I cry when I feel terribly sympathy to animals, people, beggars, the homeless, sad news, earthquake, natural disasters, wars and so on.

❤   I cry when I've got miserable. Whole bunch of assignments, tough subjects, hard examinations, got bullied, and when everything goes wrong.

______________________________________________________________

So I think I have listed enough... I think I have a natural born heart made of glass. It is so fragile and vulnerable.

I want to be strong! Sometimes, when I feel like I couldn't help but crying, I read some inspirational quotes or videos to make me feel better and stand up. I think about what I have done and what I've gone through, convincing myself that this is nothing compare to what I have gone through. And there's a voice that telling myself not to cry although it still hurts. 

The voice is what makes me strong and help me through.

I could never afford to lose this voice inside of me. _____

Falling in Love

Falling in love

This phrase is so common that I believe everyone has been there.
but how is the ending, is it happy or sad or painful.
It varies.

So I have not got my happy ending.
For me, in love with someone is always killing me.
It takes me a lot of strengths and courage.

It consumes time and eats up energy.
I hope things will turn out to be wonderful and in the best shape =) =)

_____________________________________________________________

Curious Friday

It's Friday... Should I say:" Thank God, it's Friday?"

Arghh... Jay Chou's new song <爱你没差〉affects my mood so much..

Darn...Why do you always make me emotional with your song?
 I spend 12 years loving you, Jay Chou!!!! 
Since I was in my early teen, until my teenage crush, and now.
And I'm so thankful that I'm not alone. I have my brothers and sisters loving him with me.
 I really love his song especially this one and <明明就>

Dedicating this song to my brothers and sister, Mom and Dad...and everyone who likes and appreciates this song, (Thankful)

Things change all the time. 
Jay is a more mature man.
I'm no longer the same girl. My friends change.
The guys I had crush changed. My brothers changed.
My feelings changed.
My blog changed.


I hate when I crush into someone.
Because it sucks and nothing has ever worked out.
It's always in a single way.
Sometimes I wonder how did two person fall into couple so easily.
And mine has always had to get through the hard way.
Eventually, all I got is zero.
And yes, don't ever believe into Fairy Tales.

That's right

What if

What if I still dream about you some nights?

What if I'm dreaming about us talking about everything just like we used to do?

What if I'm assuming we were as just close as before?

What if every time I'm on Facebook chat, I wish there will be a window pop-up with your name on it?

What if I could never get over this?

What if I'm looking at the corner outside library where we were sitting with you bringing me supper?

What if I write down the quotes from you in my diary?

What if I'm still reading our chat history in Skype?

What if I thought I have gotten over you, but in fact somewhere in my heart, your name had already been carved on it. And whenever the blood passes through the place where your name had been carved, it gives ache.

Curious Friday Night

What kind of friend ignores you when you need her, and finds you if and only if she needs you for her fun time?

What kind of friend is she if she stands you up 9 times out of 10 when you were so excited about having time with her?

What kind of friend stands you up 8 times out of 10 without pre-notice and also post-notice? And you were so worried about what happen to her that you called her a thousand times, call connected but nobody's answering.

What kind of friend does not concern about you at all but she makes you listen all of her stories without asking about YOU?

What kind of friend embarrasses you in front of your friends?

What kind of friend never ever love you the way you love her?

_____________________________________________________________________

I will write again... =)

If I die young...

There is a song recently <If I Die Young> by The Band Perry

Remind me of the possibility of having such a short life.

and i realized there's good to express your wishes that you had not enough time to tell.

When I was around 17 and 18 year-old. It was apparently rebellion time.
And I was thinking of committed suicide, with all the pressure, stress, and problems that came abruptly to me.
But i soon realized it was just some extremely silly thought.

Life is short, literally short. Even if sometimes you think you still have long way to go. 30 years? Come on, 30 years happens faster than thunder.

A piece of mind

Have you ever had a moment that you thought you'd figured out everything, only to see that moment slip away?

Have you ever thought you could grip a moment that you never want it to go away?

Yes. I have.

As everything starts to slip away, we grip it.

We grip wonderful moment, we grip our youth, and we grip everything we never want to slip away.

We grip it, with the intention to make it stay the same, stay unchanged.

The truth is, nothing stays the same. People and things keep changing as this universe continues to orbit.

But things are so bizarre.

As bad thing comes, you want it go go away, as fast as it could.

But at that moment, you don't realise, when you want it to go away, as rapid as possible, time also runs away rapidly.

And at the same time, you wish to keep your youth, your beauty and your belongings that you want to keep.

So.. how could time can do so many things for you?

11th June

 Have you ever checked back your chat list?

"chatting is 0
4 me
 no 0
 haha
1 day u faham y i was said no 0"

"nice
haiii
 r u busy now???"

Tomorrow going training at Putrajaya.
Nervous.

__________________________________________

Recently, what has surprised me most is people keep failing to recognize me for who I am.
They said I have become so dark, so dark until they can't recognize me.
And I've also found that this hair colour is not matching my current skin tone.

Confusion

To a boy,

I am confused. I really don't understand. 

All the things you did, and I thought...

But, it really doesn't matter anymore.

This song has been my companion these days.

Can't stop listening to this. Omg, Best song ever!

 

"Damn, Damn, Damn,

What I'd do to have you here, here, here 

I wish you were here"

2nd June

Broken Heart

Shocker!

Today was just a bad day

Puzzled   Sad

What's wrong with me?

How could i end up like this?

and

I will write again.

23rd May

Some guys, are just never meant to be your boyfriends. No matter how YOU wish them to be yours.

Some guys, too are just never meant to be your boyfriends. No matter how THEY wish they could be ours.

Which one do you prefer?

But some guys, I just never want them to be my boyfriend. They make promises damn so easily. Nevertheless, they just can't make it, never keep their words. And, sadly, sometimes they just never mean to keep their promises.

Curious Friday

It was my first exam paper this morning...
Gosh... it was so tough... Bless me. T.T
Logged in my Facebook page after exam this afternoon,
According to the notifications, i was tagged into a post.
And it turned out--------------------a post by my best friend.

白雪不是公主 snowXwhite 

好心你 Siewjye Chow 换张 profile picture. 昨天我当媒把你介绍给我的博士 friend，你竟然吃着 lolipop ╮(╯_╰)╭

Sounds so ridiculous...

What's wrong with my profile picture? Is it really turning people off?
 By the way, Snowxwhite, Next time if you wanna recommend me to guys by Facebook, do check my profile picture first.
And professor friend? Seriously?? Then i guess the guy must be more than 30.
Snowxwhite, It's just her....Keep introducing her so-called guy friends to me. Like I could never get a BF..
And her trick just never work out.
 ______________________________________________________
I unintentionally found these photos in a friend's album.
They were not tagged...
The character inside these photo are obviously......Haha...

 
I guess this person interested in becoming a paparazzi.
His skills in candid shootings not bad...

Nuts about Me

Something is wrong with me.
But what...? I can't figure it out.
I am a fool + moron.
Can somebody tell me what's wrong with me?
And don't tell me nothing is wrong.

Gosh....
I think I am going nuts.

image source imgfave.com

11 April 2011

I am feeling down.
This strange feeling gradually engulfs my body.
People always have this wrong impression on me.
Is that a wrong thing that I smile a lot?
I must confess that I like hiding my emotions. Except for the times that I really could not hide it.
When I am weak, I don't show to others.
When I am depressing, I act like I am perfectly great.
When I am sad, I am actually trying so hard to smile to your jokes.

Maybe you do always see I laugh so easily, I don't reveal any sadness in my writing.
That DOESN'T mean I am okay with everything.
I have my hard times too.

WHAT IF...

So many what ifs in my mind at this moment...
I am feeling terrible

-Frustration- -anger- -grief- -loneliness-

What if I had been a little more alert of time...
What if I had set my alarm properly the night before...
What if I had woken up from my cozy bed that morning...
What if I had not worried so much the night before... though I cried over the insomnia
and What if...
and What if...

That was the day I have been waiting so long. Means so much to me.
I have been training so hard... No one knows. Not even her.
I thought i could get over this.
No. I have not. I could not.
I could not forgive myself for this totally stupid, careless mistake.
Despite all this, the fact is still the fact.
I have to fight my way to get over those terrible feeling.
Convincing myself that it was my OWN FAULT.

To a flirty boy.
What if we had never known each other?
What if you were just a stranger to me?
Are you aware what's wrong with me?
Are you thinking what I am thinking too?
What if you were absolutely nothing i thought you are?

Then, you are killing me...

I will be writing again...
Night world...

A Glance

A glance, even a very quick glance from someone special could perfectly lighten your day.

That glance, a glance which met my eyes has made my heart pounding.

It was just a glance, maybe just meaningless,

I keep questioning myself...

the same question, which has no reply, no response, gives me no clue.

Glance of an owl