Reality

" We met and we talked. It was so epic, but then the sun came up and the reality set in."

February

The Notebook
a movie that I have heard of more than a thousand times.
Either from a book, blogs, movies, or dramas.

I am finallly going to watch it!
Can't wait.

I love stories about love, I love to see how lovers work their way to make evething works.
That's love.
You want the love between you to work out. You want it to last.
And no matter what happens in the way, you get through it together.
And then you bond stronger than ever.

I love beautiful love stories. I want my own love story.
A beautiful, magically and unbreakable one.
It's February, the month of love.
Valentine's Day falls in this month.
I wish all of us an awesome month and a happily ever after love.

Broken

I cried as hard as I could,

I almost cried out mt heart, all I wanted was crying out the pain I felt.

After crying, the tears seems to be have run out.

Everything seemed becoming better,

but that better lasted for only a few minutes.

Then the pain came again.

I could feel it all over my body.

My heart into pieces,

The pain stuck beneath the pieces.

No where to go.

I don't understand why.

How many heartbreaks that God wants me to feel.

I don't understand why,  if it's not meant to be, then why want me to go through?

I don't understand why, why can't relationships be true, couples be loyal. 

Grateful Friday

I have been reading a great blog Gala Darling for a few years, since I found this beautifully written blog during my final year of my Bachelor's Degree.

Gala writes a blog about things that she is grateful for every week.
Gratitude is a beautiful attitude and for me, is a beauty of humanity.

“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” (Brian Tracy)

Last Saturday, after quite a long time that I had not been to my home, I went home. My home, a place that I grew up. A very simply-built shop with bedrooms and living room behind a tyre shop. A house built by my father and my uncle themselves, brick by brick, wood by wood. This house is the place all of us sleep, eat and study. A place that every visitor, especially my own relatives, my uncle's family, every one of them wonder:" How could they stay in this house, study and get straight A's in all the national exams?"

The minute I stepped home, my father was there, having lunch by the dining table. He was amazed by my appearance. It was clearly my mom didn't inform him that I would be back. I actually liked that look. He was amazed but happy. I have always prayed for my family. I couldn't risk losing them, all of them. I know sometimes I was being ignorant, being occupied by my own routines, but I am really thankful to both my parents, especially my mother. I am truly blessed for having them in my life. I pray for their safety, health and happiness everyday in their lives. I am grateful for having them. Thinking of them, the tears are always going to run down my cheek. trust me, I have tried to control, but the emotions are overload.

Somehow, the biggest festival of all, the Chinese New Year is only next week. Part of me doesn't want it to come so soon, because the sooner it comes, the sooner it goes. And the coming of Chinese New Year marks another year older of my parents. Of my self too for sure. Anyway, time still passes and there's no way we can stop it. We can only appreciate every moment. I hope this year, each of us, my family is going to have full load of joy, laughters, happiness and above all, have a healthy, safe and prosperous new year.

Secondly, I am grateful to have the presence of another person, ❤ Mudher ❤ in my life. I have never offically talked about him here, or to my friends. I love him, I really love him very much. I know things between us are complicated. He is in Iraq now. And yeah, we are not only different by nationality, we are different in religion and age. Being thousand miles apart. I just want him to know, that I love him so much and I will always love him, everyday and every moment in my life. We are already being more than 7 months apart. The love for him never get any less, but it only gets more. I'm truly grateful for having him. I'm looking forward for our future together. I know it's not going to get any easier, but we will get through everything together. Thank God for the love and fate between us. He is a blessing (blushed). ❤
 

I wish all of the people I know, my beloved friends and family, a blessed and prosperous New Year full of joy, happiness and fun. Most importantly, Have a safe journey home and be safe on the road.
A little reminder to myself too, don't overspend on shopping =P
Have fun, everyone.

Write again soon.

2014 - The first Journal of Year 2014

With the ceaseless and continuous development and enhancement of the social medias,
people seems starting to neglect blogging.
Well, as much as I hate to admit, I am one of these people.

With the changes in my life, from an undergraduate to a working-adult, to a postgraduate,
the surrounding, friends and relationship, and all the changes happened recently has been keeping me really busy.

And in the blink of eye, here it is... - The Year 2014.
Wow it's unbelievable! Time does fly, really rapidly.

Well, I'm facing real difficulty in typing out this blog. I am stuck in the middle of typing so many times just to think how to continue the sentence in a proper language and also how to express what I'm thinking in the moment. Perhaps it's because of I had not been writing for a long time.
I miss the way I used to sit alone, not being distracted by anything around, just concentrate in the way of expressing my feelings and my thoughts here.

Last year, in full review, I found myself got lost in so many ways.
I lost myself, I was so out of the base of being myself.

I have done with my final exams last week. Well, not all the papers were great.
They were so hard and the timetable of the subjects was so close to eah other.
I wasn't prepared, and I didn't study sufficiently.
Ahhh it's all my fault. I wish I could turn back the time. Well, I couldn't.

2014, it's not regret time, there's no time to be regret, to feel sorry forwhat I had done, not the time to keep holding back the old memories and feel bad about myself. It's not the time for all these. Just not.
I need to let go, at least I must learn to let go.

Let go of all the mistakes, let go of the things that I know I can't change, let go of the sadness.
I must start new!
Here's to scond chances.
A new year, New year, fresh start, New life, Better person.

December 2013

Ohhh, my blog,
I can't be sorry enough for abandoning you for so long time.

I've changed.
I don't know what people think of me now.
But mostly, the comments are,
"Jye, why are you becoming such an Emo person?"
" What are all those quotes, statuses about?"

Honestly, I figured about that some time ago.
I don't know what has gone wrong. I don't know which part have I done wrongly.
I have no idea.
All I could think is" Is this a part of growing up?"
" Can I survive this?"
"Will I get through this emo part?"
" Does being in love make me into this?"

I spot the difference when sometime I reviewed my past stautuses in facebook, (thanks to that timeline thing)
and when i reviewed the old photos.
Ohh yes, I used to be so happy, that smile..I've lost it.

Now I'm trying to find my happiness again.
I know I'll be happy again.

Now that final's around the corner. 
My focus now is to nail all these subjects and do well in final.
I know they all say, things will always be better.
I really hope so. Now it's almost the end of 2013. 
Time to make a New year Resolutions.

Have Faith <3

Write again soon. =)
I'll not abandon you again, my dearly blog.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for everyone who cares about me.
=)

Tear-inducing Matters

I am a born baby girl who cries so easily...
Well, I just am the one.

I don't know the reasons, but I do always wish I could be stronger.
I cry over a lot of reasons, some are weird resons.

❤   I cry when I think about my Mom. Missing her and thinking abut what is she doing now.

   My mom was diagnosed for having kidney failure last October. She was unbelievable and so depressed by the fact. She cried everyday, thinking she could not survive this. She is the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. Now that she got through the hardest time, she goes back to the busy business woman life. Everytime I think about what she is doing, my eyes get teary, my nose gets sour, and chill in my lungs. I really miss her now. She said she might be visiting me yeaterday, but she could not make it eventually. My world gets darker for the moment.

❤   I cry when the car gets hurt a little. I cry when it requires expensive car repair.

❤   I cry when I watch a sad movie. Lovers fall apart, death of someone, sad love story, and many many other scenes.

❤   I cry when someone I love break my heart, jealousy of the one I love, change of people attitude towards me, fighting with somone I love.

❤   I cry when I feel terribly sympathy to animals, people, beggars, the homeless, sad news, earthquake, natural disasters, wars and so on.

❤   I cry when I've got miserable. Whole bunch of assignments, tough subjects, hard examinations, got bullied, and when everything goes wrong.

______________________________________________________________

So I think I have listed enough... I think I have a natural born heart made of glass. It is so fragile and vulnerable.

I want to be strong! Sometimes, when I feel like I couldn't help but crying, I read some inspirational quotes or videos to make me feel better and stand up. I think about what I have done and what I've gone through, convincing myself that this is nothing compare to what I have gone through. And there's a voice that telling myself not to cry although it still hurts. 

The voice is what makes me strong and help me through.

I could never afford to lose this voice inside of me. _____

Falling in Love

Falling in love

This phrase is so common that I believe everyone has been there.
but how is the ending, is it happy or sad or painful.
It varies.

So I have not got my happy ending.
For me, in love with someone is always killing me.
It takes me a lot of strengths and courage.

It consumes time and eats up energy.
I hope things will turn out to be wonderful and in the best shape =) =)

_____________________________________________________________

Crush

When I look in your eyes, I learned that

You are no longer the 'you' which I fell for

It's really hard for me.

Truth is truth, fact is still fact.
How I wanted to scream it out...
Scream out my feelings

This crush that I have kept for so long should stop now.

Write again soon...

18 June 2012

My favourite activity while I'm logging in my Blogger account is:

I would review the blog posts that I had written on the same date or same month of the past years.

For instance,

It's 18 June today, so I would definitely browse for the older blog posts on 18 June 2010 or 2011.
If there was no posts on the date, then I would read the blog post closest to the date or posts of the month.

I want to know what I was doing, how was I feeling on that time.

It feels really GRRR--EEE---ATE  reading the old blog posts, although sometimes I would feel a little awkward reading the awkward posts.

There are the posts which give me the giggling and smiling and the posts which make me sad too.

Up and down, up and down. And they are part of my life, my experiences, my soul...

This is WOnderful, a electronic pet I've been keping since 2009 =)

Faith

There is always a right track for us as a part of the beautiful creature in this world.

God arranged the right path for us when He created us.

Then it's our natural responsibility to discover it while He's guiding and watching us.

We have to have this little faith and believe in ourselves.
Life is a journey. You will reach the right path when you have faith in yourself and put your effort on it.
The painful experiences are just a little obstacles and tests for you to get you ready to the unknowns along the right track.

When your boat is sinking on an ocean, point it to your home and keep sailing.

Never stop fighting and Never give up!

Losing it

I have been becoming very less motivated and losing the radical self love.

Why change?

Is it because the goals and the dreams of mine has become so vague?

It's time to set the sail and start steering the boat before any regrets!

Action! DO it for real..

Come on wakey wakey, Siewjye!!!

Set the goals again! Hope it's never too late!

6th March

你的爱反复徘徊，

打乱我呼吸节拍。。。

倒数

倒数13天！！！

四年了又四年。。。

今年又会是怎样的？

四年前的四年， 我第一次离乡背井，当时的那一天， 是用数不清的泪滴度过的。

现在，离家了八年。最想念的莫过于是八年前的我。

八年来，错的决定作了太多太多。 跌跌撞撞的来到了这里。

场面人物时空不停的在转变。

什么都不缺，就是却少了时光机。

今年的生日礼物会不会有？

Write again soon =)

Still dreaming

I'm a pretty good dreamer

I am not sure what makes me that. People say those who born as Piscean are great dreamers.

And should I blame that? No No..In fact, I am pretty proud to become a Piscean.

Therefore, I'm still dreaming, and will continue dreaming.

Though it may not quite possible.

I should say it this way, I hunt dreams, and not that dreams haunting me.

21st December A link to the past

I have made a new friend recently.

She's 20 years older than me.

If you had read my blog posts continuously this year. You might have read about her.

Let me clear out the clouds above your head first.

First and foremost, read this post first.

Sunday Life 18th April 2011

Then, aware of this paragraph:

It was a super great experience! Surprisingly, even auntie runs faster than me.
She came to me afterwards, to ask me whether did I train myself.
I said I was busy with my academics recently, and she turned out unhappy and accused me for giving so much excuses.
Gosh.....

When I wrote about this, I was offended by her a little for saying my statement was an lame excuse.

When I wrote about her, she was totally a stranger for me.

and when I wrote this, I had called her AUNTIE, no offense to her.

And this makes sense when I said she is 20 years older than me.

The second time I have met her was in Dataran Merdeka.

She was so fast in recognizing me by calling "Miss" from my back.

and then we got closer and closer since last month.

Her name is Wendy Wong.

She is a fast runner in veteran category and she won in most of the races and triathlons.

And last week, when she brought me to Port Dickson for participating Malaysian International Army Run,

it turned out that she won the 7th place which I did not win at all.

And many people there asking if she was my Mum.

Which cracked her up and offended her a little because she could not believe she looked like my mum for her age.

P/S: she is still single

And what I could response was" Maybe it's not you who look old, maybe I look very young."

She said this answer convinced her a little Hope she mean it.

And UM runners thought she was my mum, and they said something really funny:" you punya mak lari lagi laju daripada awak la." and "you kena follow mak awak".

You see, sometimes, things are so bizarre and things you could never think of happen out of your expectation.

Like Wendy and me. She becomes a mum-like friend from a total stranger who complained about me.

I have to admit, it's surprisingly amazing.

I'll be writing soon. =)

15 December

The middle of the December approaches.

Time and Tide Wait For No Man

One hand up if you think time passes shockingly fast.

For I have seen and heard, there are two cases of people :

A. People who wants to live in the past, cherish all the things in the past rather than present or in the future. They want to go back to years before because they do not accept the way of their life now.

B. People who live day by day, and looking froward to what's going to happen tomorrow.

If This Was A Movie

Come back, come back, come back to me like..
You would, you would If this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside till I came out.

Come back, come back, come back to me like..
You could you could if you just said you're sorry.
I know that we could work it out somehow.

If this was a movie, you'd be here right now.

I'll be writing soon.

20 November

I'm so glad that we talk.

and

I'm so glad to have you back.


Thanks. =)

Weak

I always thought I am strong.

I thought I am independent, thought I am tough.

But in fact, I am very weak, although I hate to admit it.

I panicked when problems come to me, I couldn't solve it, I cry when I could not solve it, I called my Mum when I got a traffic summons and I cried when I could not unlock the car when it was auto-locked with the car key inside, and with the engine still turning on.

I could not even unlock it when my's father mechanic friend told me how to do.

What a terrible person I am. That's what nowadays people always call, "Noob" and "Sucks".

And that's when my mum said to me, " Be Strong." Crying does not solve problem.

 She's TRUE. I have to be strong. I can't be a little girl forever. I can't be a Mama's girl who calls Mum everytime I meet problems and expect her to solve it.

Be Strong, Siew Jye.